Follow the leader

Anyone who has raised or lived with young children knows that they are parrots…copy cats…perfect little mirrors that reflect back to us—in often frightening detail---everything we say and do. Their hawk eyes notice every detail and their sponge-like minds absorb every bit of information. Sing a song, make a comment or say a particular word too often and you are sure to hear it repeated by them at random (and usually inconvenient) times. Indeed the most unnerving thing about a child’s natural propensity to imitate adults is that they quite innocently become tattle-tales. They betray things we mean to keep secret (like the fact that Aunt Bertha’s put on a lot of weight, or that we don’t really like grandma’s cooking and feed things to the dog when she’s not looking.) And often times, by every word and deed of theirs they declare to the world what their parents truly are like when no one is around…if they are caring…if they are yellers…if they swear…or even more unsavory things.

 As I’ve learned here in Africa, this trend doesn’t lessen with time. In the behavior and speech and attitudes of the children and youth I interact with every day I see a reflection of South African society—with all its scars and shadowy places. Often the adults of this country do their best to put on a strong face, to look forward, speak and think positively and progressively…but like a two year old child spills the beans on his daddy’s true opinion of granny’s cooking, the youth of this country reflect the truth of South African society. Our schools are plagued by violence. Not a week ago a third grader stabbed another with a pencil, drawing blood; A middle school boy was caught in the act of forcing himself on a classmate; not long before one boy hit a female classmate with the handle of a wooden broom; and I even witnessed a knife fight between two boys. When they play “school” the teacher always has a stick and if there’s a disagreement it will most often be “solved” by whomever can hit the hardest.  Though I and my colleagues have often discussed the horror and unacceptability of such behavior it has become clear to me that it is like a game of ‘monkey see, monkey do ‘or ‘follow the leader.’ In their English writing exercises students recount and allude to behaviors in the home of equal or greater horror and teachers…some of whom openly condemn things like corporal punishment I have caught in the act of doing the very same. So the rule goes: if you are angry, you hit someone; if you are frustrated, you hit someone; if you want something you take it; if you feel powerless you find someone less powerful than yourself and make them feel smaller. It’s a pervasive mentality.  Over and over the message is being reinforced. Not surprisingly, many young people suffer from chronically low self-esteem, hopelessness and a feeling of vulnerability. It is a hostile world they live in and even their homes and families aren’t the safe haven that they ought to be. 

For adults it is hardly different. They live what they have seen –as did their parents. From generation to generation it is passed on. With no one willing to stand up and break the cycle. One wonders if they know that there are other ways. Those of us who live in countries highly influenced by Christian values take things like love, self-sacrifice, positive self-image, and genuine concern for others for granted. The self-destructive tendencies apathy born of hopelessness I see in so many here in South Africa is the most painful reality I face each day. It’s the problem of ‘this’ and ‘that’ again…how can I encourage a student who does not believe they are capable of better? How can I build someone up when the rest of their world seems intent on tearing them down?  

In the end the truth is this: in the words of Gandhi, “we must be the change we want to see in the world.” Our children will always do what they see us doing…what they do is what they were taught. We must break the cycle. If we want to stop violence in schools we must stop being violent ourselves. I wonder how many of my counterparts understand this.  I wonder if they’ve ever played the game of follow the leader and if they see the way that game is being played out in their society and their village? As for myself, I can only hope that my actions will speak louder than any words could and that I by living in a different way and handling things in a different way can inspire the change we all hope to see. Maybe…just maybe... someone will follow my lead and one teacher will do things differently, and one student will start to believe in herself, and maybe it will catch on. As a foreigner everyone’s eyes are always on me. I wonder if someday THEY will reflect the good things in MY behavior that they see?