Up, Down, and All Around

When we SA24’s (that is, South African volunteer group 24) were all still in training back in September of last year, they told us about something they call the “volunteer cycle.” I remember they had shown us a graph resembling a roller coaster. It showed what amounted to be the typical pattern of mood swings volunteers go through over the span of their Peace Corps experience.  I did not give much credence to it then, but now that I am almost a year into my service it’s taken on a new significance.

Every roller coaster starts with the climb to the top. Everyone knows that we humans tend to be romantic about things at the beginning. There was that long build-up of pre-service training and then observation and preparation at sight in which we conjure up all kinds of dreams and visions in those idealistic little Peace Corps heads of ours. This 6 month long process then culminates in a spectacular peak we in the organization know as in-service training. By the time that is done, however, we are beginning to see the near vertical drop called ‘pedal to the metal’ (or ‘reality’) that is on the other side of all that build up. That’s when the long fall back to earth starts. 

In term 1 (Jan-March) of this year I was still teetering on the summit. I was off to a great start. I launched the English Club, taught grade 10 English, presented the library project to an enthusiastic throng of teachers and PTA members, and started teaching in grades 1-4 once a week. My creativity was mobilized; I was energized; I had a vision that stretched on for countless miles into the future… Until, without warning, the bottom fell out. The decent began at the beginning of term 2, at which point I suddenly realized I am not super woman and had been spreading myself way too thin. I had to cut back on the amount of days I was teaching to make room for preparation for my other projects. That in turn upset my groove so to say. It took some trial and error to find a new balance. Even that process of finding the balance itself was interrupted by my unplanned trip to the US. That brought on first reverse culture shock…and then reverse-reverse-culture shock upon reentry. 

Being in the US was a strange sort of experience for me. It seemed like people were going too fast. Everywhere was over-developed and much too crowded and noisy. All thins environmental stress was overlaid with the stress of my grandfather’s illness and near death. All wrapped up in that, however was the relief at being able to see my family again. In essence it was emotional overload. As a result my last day or 2 in the US was spent mostly sleeping. When I got back to SA it was vacation time. I had the fortune of being able to participate in the Longtom Marathon (albeit doing more walking than running)—a fundraising event in the scenic Mpumalanga. After living in the Kalahari for 9 months it felt like being on a different planet! The days after the marathon were filled with hiking rafting and horseback riding…not a bad deal. (Aside: this has made me into and official outdoor adventure enthusiast!) Being surrounded by Americans in those first days back took the edge off of the reentry, but once I made it back to site things sort of crashed. That long fall back to earth combine with new drag put my heart in my throat. I Suddenly found myself running against many brick walls: Teachers resisting my efforts to observe their classes or give assistance (it seems the very behaviors and teaching practices of mine I hope to inspire them with have lead them to dread my presence in their classroom…something about being showed up.); finding myself on the wrong side of what is akin to a mutiny against the principal of one of my schools; lack of dedication on the part of those who vowed to support me and even being undermined by them in some ways; having my efforts to achieve anything at all in the other school crippled by the principals apparent on going apathy towards the affairs in his institution. Suddenly, my realm of possible influence has shrunk drastically. The realities of general unwillingness to change on the part of some and a system that is both ridged and dysfunctional abruptly halted my roll. It’s an ugly fall, that one: finding out you can’t do as much as you thought, and that even what you thought you were achieving is not what it seems…a sobering realization. It’s all part of what they call the ‘year mark depression.’ Apparently it’s very common. 

And so I spent a few weeks plummeting from that great height I’d been at. Now, however, it seems things have leveled off. I’ve hit the curve of the roaster. I feel the pressure but am gaining momentum as I readjust my focus and my plans in light of the circumstances. 

As things stand, I have revitalized the English Club, which had lost a bit of momentum end of last term, and attendance is back up to original levels. I have established a new personal schedule that divides my time more equally between the two schools…much to the appreciation of the elementary school teachers. Thanks to an extra push by the middle school principal and the efforts of a fellow PCV, things are moving forward with the library project and I have even started two new projects: an English Refresher Course for educators and the Bridge Project, a course aimed at helping qualified individuals overcome the obstacles in finding jobs. With some effort and a bit of divine intervention these will both bear fruit and before long the year mark depression with fully pass and lead to a few satisfying results.